I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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