cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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