Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
