Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
