I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
There's always time for handjobs
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
