I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
