Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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