I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
