You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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