My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
this will be a night to untag.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Randomize
