dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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