I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
