I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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