I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
