I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
