i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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