I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
