someone threw a dead crab at me
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I supernannyed him into submission
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
