Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
