The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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