O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
