I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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