Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
