So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
