oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just forgot I was standing up.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
