god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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