Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
A+ Viking dick
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
