Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
