In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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