saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Randomize
