I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
