you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
