i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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