All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
