Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
how does that bad decision feel?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
