i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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