I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
