we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
