so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
