Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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