yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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