I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
