thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
