So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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