This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
