I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
