She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
