i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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