if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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