My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
