How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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