Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
