Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
