i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
