Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
