Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
