I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
