Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
