you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
