I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
