Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
