the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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