i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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